Failure.

I've had a difficult week, a difficult month. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have one more project to do before a month break. Thank goodness, this has been such a difficult semester. And I am so excited to be student teaching in the spring. I cannot wait!

I had an exam yesterday, and it didn't go as expected. I didn't do as well, but I wasn't that worried. I had a 96 in the class. I would have practically had to fail in order to lose my A, right?! Wrong! I guess I didn't understand how much that exam was worth. I ended up with a 91.8 in the class. And the grand ol' College of Education is on the 7 point scale. Awesome. All my hard work, down the drain.

I got in the car to pick something up at a friend's house and cried the whole way there. And perhaps that sounds dramatic. And maybe it was. I've made plenty of Bs before. I am not that type that gets work up over that. A B is still above average. It's not the end of the world.

But I felt like a failure. This whole week, I've felt like a failure. I didn't completely pass my portfolio. I failed at a relationship. And I failed (made a B?!?!?) at a class. I felt so defeated. As I drove, I just thought "why can't one thing in my life work out?!" "am I really suppose to be a teacher?" "why can't I do anything right?" And yes, I realize now how freaking dramatic I was being. I don't like to admit that I'm dramatic and emotional, but it just all hit me at once.

About two hours later, I was home and got an email about my Praxis scores being posted. If you don't know what Praxis is, it's the standardized test which certifies pre-teachers to be teachers. I had to take 4. I knew I had already passed 2 for my certification in learning disabilities. But I was waiting to hear about my last 2. So either I was about to feel more disappointed in myself, or really accomplished.

And guess what?! I feel pretty accomplished because I PASSED ALL FOUR OF THE TESTS! With flying colors at that. So I gave myself a pat on the back. Sure, I still made a B in that one class, but you know what? That's okay. Because at the end of the day, my certification is more important than getting an A or a B.

I am so proud of myself and all of my accomplishments. I've never been the smartest kid in the class, but I have always been a hard worker. I truly don't let grade define me. I guess I was just disappointed in the fact that I had an A all semester and I destroyed it in one test. But as I have reflected on this day, I've realized the faithfulness of the Lord. My whole college experience has been a whirlwind. Looking back at these past couple years, I can't believe where I am. And I know I am only here because of Jesus. Without His hand and His love guiding me through, there is absolutely NO way I would've made it through this program. So yes, I pat myself on the back, but I do it while I am giving God the glory. He holds all things together. His plans are better than ours. He is sovereign and faithful. Forever and ever. And for that I am beyond thankful.

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