Singleness + Loneliness

I've had the apartment to myself for about a week. My roommates are on exciting trips and I'm in Anderson...working. Yipee. If you know me at all, you know that I was looking forward to this. Having the apartment all to myself. I'm an introvert. I like being alone. I like having my space. I like listening to my music as loud as I like. I like sleeping in with no one waking me up.

But the other night, I walked in from work and felt just like Jess on New Girl

I thought....

"what if this is the rest of my life?" 

What if, in 30 years, I'm walking into an empty apartment at the end of the day. There's no one to vent to about my day with. I wake up, every morning, alone. I grocery shop for one. And I simply live life alone.

And that terrified me. Honestly, it's probably my #1 fear. 

[And you laugh and say, "Cullen, you are only 21. Shut up. You have the rest of your life ahead of you." First off, let's not laugh at other people's fears, that's mean. And yes, I understand that maybe I was being slightly dramatic the other night, but again, I'm a 21 year old girl..isn't that what the role calls for?]

So, naturally, I spent the rest of the night worrying about it. I tossed and turned in anxiety.  And in that tossing and turning, I talked to God. I talked to God because none of my plans have really worked out. The plans of getting married after college and moving to Africa to serve were so graciously pulled out from under me two summers ago. And you know what? Somedays, my heart is STILL bitter about it. It hurts. I know that loneliness is real and painful and hard. But at the same time, God has taught me some of the best lessons. So I figured I'd try him again.

And this is what he said,

"YES, Cullen. You are lonely. But don't you know that in these times, you draw closer to me. Oh, how I love to hold you when you cry, but I wish you also came to me with happiness and joy. Haven't you learned that your worth isn't dependent on anything other than me? I swear that I've already taught this to you, like oh, ten millions times?? You don't need to be somebody's in order to be somebody. I have great plans for you. Do you trust me? Do you trust me, even if a husband never comes? Will you still love me? Will you still serve me, even then?"

And I responded something like this:

"I literally have no idea why I never listen to You. I'm sorry."


One of the most important things I learned during that night was

1. boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife DOES NOT = happiness/joy/fulfillment/wholeness (even though they can bring those things)
2. NO boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife = loneliness

I don't know where we got that idea from. Someone who is married or in a relationship can be one of the loneliest people you meet, while someone who is single is fulfilling the Good Commission and happy as a clam.YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS DOES NOT DICTATE YOUR MOOD/WORTH/JOY/VALUE/FEELINGS. (will we ever really learn this?)
Every single place you go, there are always people looking for friends. Just because you are single does not mean you have to be lonely. There are young girls that need invested in, girls my age who are looking for wine nights and dance parties, older adults that want to instill wisdom, and even dogs that need to be pet.

The last thing that has stuck with me is that God does not need you to have someone special in order to make His name famous. He just needs YOU. Stop waiting for someone who may never come to start spreading the Gospel. God doesn't promise you a spouse. But you know what He has promised? That one day He will be returning. And on that day, I'd don't want to be searching for a husband, but rather, seeking Him. That may be a little awkward :)