I am not okay. For the past month or so, I have been pretending to be okay. I want everyone to think that I am strong. I am invincible. That nothing can hurt me. But that is complete crap. I've held it in. I haven't let anyone know how I am really feeling. I have never felt more alone than I have in the past month. I thought that coming back to college would be awesome because I had so many friends. But I realized that they didn't  really know me, the real me. They only know the Cullen I've been pretending to be. I don't want to expose my hurt and look weak. It's a pride issue.

So Monday I decided that I wasn't going to pretend anymore. As I began to journal, I realized that I had hidden my hurt from me too. I don't know if that even makes sense, but somehow I buried all my anger and hurt deep down so I didn't have to deal with it. I stumbled across a quote that said "it is okay to not be okay." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that, but it really stuck out that time.It's something I've always known, but I don't think I've really believed it.

I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half a month ago. I haven't talked to my best friend in over a month. It sucks. I try to be okay with it, but there are just days that you need to talk to someone who knows everything about you or you just need to vent about the events of that day. But I can't and it really really sucks.But in some ways, it's suppose to suck. It's suppose to be hard. It would be weird if I didn't feel this way. "It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt cause it matters."-John Green

I have been spending more and more time in God's word recently and have been specifically reading passages about waiting on the Lord and patience.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning." -Psalms 130:5-6

"For he satisfies the longing soul,
    and the hungry soul he fills with good things." -Psalms 107:9

Even though I was spending time with God and learning so much, I decided that I was going to become bitter and upset about my break-up, find everything that went wrong and harbor up all these emotions. I just wanted to feel something, I felt like I was so numb to this break up since I had repressed it for so long.

This morning I went to chapel and Aaron Keyes was leading. He is a Christian singer and I had heard one of his song before. I thought it would be good though. And oh man, it was so so good. He was talking about the same things I had been trying to do-wait upon the Lord. I don't know about you, but it's so hard for me to sit and wait on anything. I am usually fiddling with my phone or looking around or finding something somewhat to do. But when we wait upon the Lord, we must put aside all distractions and clear our heads of everything. When we wait upon the Lord, we have to practice patience. This is not easy for me to do. The last song we sang today was by Aaron Keyes and it's called Sovereign Over Us. I had actually heard it before, but the lyrics spoke to me so much today. Listen to it here!

There is strength within the sorrow, 
There is beauty in our tears 
You meet us in our mourning, 
With a love that casts out fear 
You are working in our waiting, 
Sanctifying us 
When beyond our understanding, 
You're teaching us to trust 

Your plans are still to prosper, 
You have not forgotten us 
You're with us in the fire and the flood 
Faithful forever, 
Perfect in love 
You are sovereign over us 

You are wisdom unimagined, 
Who could understand your ways 
Reigning high above the heavens, 
Reaching down in endless grace 
You're the Lifter of the lowly, 
Compassionate and kind 
You surround and You uphold me, 
Your promises are my delight 

Even what the enemy means for evil 
You turn it for our good, 
You turn it for our good and for your glory 
Even in the valley You are faithful 
You'e working for our good, 
You're working for our good and for your glory

How awesome is it that our God will not leave us? He will not forget us. He wants us to prosper and grow. He will walk with us every step of our lives, through the good and bad. He will even carry us when we are too weak to walk. The Devil tries to trip us up and wants us to turn on God, but God's plans are better. He uses everything that happens in our lives to glorify Him. He is not wasting my hurt, our hurts. He is going to use everything to bring Him glory! How amazing is that?!

 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

Continue to pray for me as I walk through this season of my life. Pray that I will learn to lean on God and trust that His plans are greater than I can imagine. Pray that he would mold the broken pieces of my heart to be more pleasing and glorifying to Christ.

Until next time,