Being Real

Honestly, this semester has been tough. I didn't want to come back. I just wanted to stay home forever. I was excited when August came around. I was ready for a new adventure. Although summer orientation made me a little hesitate, I figured that's how everyone felt. I didn't know what to expect, the unknown made me excited (which is really weird because I hate not knowing). I was ready to meet new people and experience this amazing part of life that I've heard people say "will change you forever." And I did. I made some really awesome friends. I got involved with RUF. I dealt with and was even thankful for the distance between me and my boyfriend. I jumped into college life feet first because I didn't want to miss anything.

But then around the end of October the newness wore off. I knew it would, but I guess I didn't think it would be that bad. I had countdowns until Thanksgiving. And at Thanksgiving all I could think about was coming back for Christmas. December 7 counted have come fast enough. As soon as my last exam was finished I packed the car and headed back to Charlotte.

But I dreaded (okay, maybe dreaded is too strong of a word) coming back for Spring semester. I sobbed on my mom's shoulders before I left home that Monday. I knew what I was going back to and I didn't want to go. I guess I was excited to see my friends, but I wasn't overjoyed and jumping up and down (I feel horrible for saying this because I really do have awesome friends). But there was nothing here that I wanted to come back to. But I put on my big girl panties and came back. I was already signed up for classes, had the books and didn't want to be seen as a so-called "failure." I really want to be a teacher, but sometimes I just don't see why I have to take all these pointless classes. Why I'm racking up so much debt when I'm not even happy with the education I'm getting. I just feel like something is missing.

To be completely honest, I'm lonely. Yes, I have friends. I have awesome friends that I can have a good time with, that I can talk to about God and my boyfriend. But I still don't have that one person I can just go to and honestly tell them that I'm not okay and I'm really struggling. And I know it's my fault, I'm guarded. I don't like to open up in fear of people thinking I talk about myself too much, and I just don't want to people to know I'm hurting. I guess I'm just use to pretending to be strong and acting like nothing's wrong. Most of the time, I feel like Bryce is the only person I can be real with. It's hard because he's not here to hug me and wipe away my tears. It's also hard because he's my boyfriend, and there are just sometimes I need advice on what to do with him.

I know that this is just a test God is using to prove He is faithful and strong when I am not. I also know that I should be okay if everything else was taken and I only had God. God should #1 on my list when I'm having a hard day and need to talk to someone. But He's not. My prayer life does not look like it should. And while I do think that God should be my rock and the only one I need; I also believe that God put friends in our lives for a reason. Friends are people who are physically there when He isn't. Right now, I just want someone to take me under their wing and nurture me, telling me that it's totally normal to feel this way. And maybe this someone is God. Maybe He is teaching me to solely rely on Him and not to look anywhere else. 

I guess I'm just writing to ask for prayers. I just have felt a need to share with whoever reads this that college isn't wasn't it's made out to be, that I'm struggling and everything isn't okay. I just want yall to know my heart and what's really going on. If you've actually read this much, that's for allowing me to vent a little bit.

"You were not an accident. Your parents may not have planned you, but God did. He wanted you alive and created you for a purpose. Focusing on yourself will never reveal your purpose. You were made by God and for God, and until you understand that, life will never make sense. Only in God do we discover origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny." –Rick Warren (Purpose Driven Life)