Midnight Thoughts

Tonight I sit.This week has been pretty chill. Not a whole lot of school work. I spent most of the day sitting in my Eno, working on a project, watching The Office, reading, and finally spending time with Jesus. It's something that I honestly haven't done whole lot of lately. I have started getting in the habit of reading Jesus Calling each morning, but never sitting down to pray, or write my prayers out. I never really knew why I've been running from Him, but tonight I think I figured it out. I've been scared. I've been terrified that God will say "no," that He won't want to hear from me, I think that I already know what He's going to say, so what's the point of even praying it? Well that's is a bunch of crap. After spending a good 30 minutes journaling and praying to God, I was reminded that my Jesus is always wanting to hear from me. He doesn't care if I'm mad, sad, happy, hurt, or in a place that I don't even know my emotion. He just wants me, silly, broken Cullen Rosser. And that makes me rejoice.

I was feeling a little nostalgic tonight, so I opened up a file from high school. This document was filled with different letters, or just sentences people told/wrote me after standing up in chapel to tell my testimony. This may sound conceited that I use to compile these, but honestly, it was such great therapy for me. It reminded me that I do have a purpose on this earth, I made an impact, and people do want to hear stories of God's redemption. Anyways, I was struck by one email a friend sent me, here's a except from it (there may be a few choice words in here..sorry in advance):

"give up. You cannot win this battle called your life. The sooner you realize and admit wholeheartedly that you suck and cannot do jack shit...the sooner you can embrace the life of redemption that awaits you. It does await you. 

Give up. You can't fix yourself. You can't pull yourself together. And no I don't have a plan for once you give up.. But I do know that giving up is a start

I wonder if the only thing we can control is our own obsession. Our obsession with thinking we can control anything? See what I'm saying? We try to control our lives and fail miserably. So we can get some control by giving up trying to control....see? That's what I mean by give up."

Sadly, I am no longer in contact with the friend who wrote this. He probably has no idea how much it meant and still means to me. But every single time I read this email, I am relieved. I am encouraged. I am reminded that the battle of life we face is too big to face on our own. This is why we have Jesus to lean on for support. This is also why Jesus allows us to walk in community with friends. 

Often times, I think that I can do this life on my own. I find myself wanting to run away and live a life of solitude out on some island for some tree house in the middle of the woods. I like being alone. I don't like burdening people with my problems. And often times I give off the facade that I am okay. That life is dandy. That everything in my life is pulled together. But who am I kidding? Life is a mess. Everyone's life is, at some point or another.

But by giving up, giving up our lives to a Father who loves us dearly, we are blessed with so much more. We don't have to worry about our future. We don't have to worry when we will find our significant others, if we'll get in the college of education, what our children's names will be. We don't have to worry because God is in control. And I know that's a 'no duh' kind of moment, but how incredible is that?! The same God that sent His only son to die for you and me is the same God that has complete and total control of our lives. There is no way that he can mess it up. I thought that I have my life figured it. It was going to be great and I was so excited. But 6 months ago, God interrupted those plans and is setting me on a different course. 

Am I scared? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I wishing for my way? Yes. I wanted my future plans to work out so badly, that I forgot that God's plans are best. He is the One who gave me breath and skin and knowledge and everything on this earth, yet I can't trust that He will provide just as He has before? It's backwards thinking. Something I've been struggling with for years. But starting tonight, I am planning on really truly and trusting Jesus like I never have before. I am praying that I will slowly let go of my plans and hold tight to the One who knows what tomorrow holds before I even have time to think about it.